Making friends with fear: Bring Back Your Ambitious Geek

Until the age of 18 I was a geeky introvert, studious and apt at nearly all my subjects at school with a gutsy ambition to be a lawyer, no, a barrister and even a successful, high flying, jet setting business woman.

Then I turned 19; “stuff happened” (I do not have the energy to relay this “stuff”, it saps the energy out of me). I became “man of the house” and for a long time I did what I needed to with my family to keep a roof over our heads.

I paid bills and put food on the table whilst in full-time study, experiencing redundancy, job hunting, sitting examinations, helping mom through her divorce, falling ill, revising for finals, missing approximately two out of three semesters due to being ill and arranging my sister’s wedding.

I don’t think I stopped to think about it or how I got through it; I find if I stop to count the number of balls I am juggling or how many plates are spinning in the air, the realisation of it all makes the house of cards fall.

Looking back, I realise that the real me had slipped into some void in time and space. I had not lost ambition, somewhere deep deep deep inside of me my dreams were still in existence, they had just been put to sleep. I now travelled a completely different road and strayed away from the route I had planned or had hoped to walk along.

I cannot remember exactly when, it must have been around my mid-late twenties that my sleeping dreams had somehow been awoken from within. Such a deep sleep seemed to stir a passionate awakening.

A couple of deaths of people I once knew and grew up with whilst they were still in their twenties played a seriously huge part in reminding me of my dreams, my ambitions and brought back that spark within me to get on with it and “just do it”. There was also a part of me which has just had enough! Believe me, it’s when you have enough that nothing can hold you back, not even fear.

I also learned false friends were enemies and enemies like to keep you exactly where they are. That is not a place I was prepared to live. I moved straight ahead at top speed without looking back. Kept myself very busy with activities, rediscovering a hobby, attending workshops, planning and planning and taking whatever small steps I could take to move ahead at top speed and soar high up in life.

Now I have a couple of truly wonderful friends who keep reigning me back, reminding me to take one solid step at a time.

(Lesson here: do not see false friends as enemies, they are actually your motivation to be better in many different ways)

Part of me has felt that I have been playing catch up and perhaps I have been; I am no longer in my twenties so my gutsy side has been down the rabbit hole for too long.

Another part of me just appreciates how short life is and that time waits for no one. Once time passes, you can’t get it back, so do something with the precious time that you have. When we are all on our death beds, we will not be wishing we had more money or a bigger house, we’ll be wishing we just had more time.

This is not to say that I do not experience fear, or lack confidence at any point. Every time I come to a new experience I get a pounding heart in my stomach or butterflies there instead, but it is all part of the growth process. I know if I don’t do it now, then when will I, since tomorrow is never guaranteed. The Ambitious Geek in me is back!

I would like to share a quote with you; it means a lot to me. It is taken from my Holy Book, the Holy Qur’an;

“Verily, Allah will not change the good condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Surah 13 :  Ar-Rad : Verse 11)

It tells me that I have been given the opportunity; I just need to take it. It’s my move first.

SairaAuthor Bio
Saira Nisa
Founding Director | Creative Business Consultant-Coach
Living Wellbeing Ltd, a Business & Lifestyle Management Company who provide Creative Coaching, Mentoring & Training assistance to all Business Women of Faith, Spirituality & Ethnicity as well as all those Women of Faith, Spirituality & Ethnicity who mean Business, who are dedicated to progressing forward in their personal and professional lives.

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